Here’s a great animation of a brief, compelling lecture by Dan Pink on the nature of motivation in which he describes the paradox that money is a terrible motivator for complex tasks. It turns out that autonomy, mastery and purpose–not money–are the prime motivating factors for sophisticated work.

“If we start treating people like people, and not assuming that they’re simply horses–slower, smaller, better smelling horses–if we get past this kind of ideology of carrots and sticks and look at the science, I think we can actually build organizations and work lives that make us better off. But I also think they have the promise to make our world just a little bit better.”

The longer, full (unanimated) talk for The RSA is here.

As promised, this is the link for the powerpoint handout from today’s training on suicide prevention.

Psychiatric Disorders and Suicide Assessment

Please feel free to email any additional questions to me at:
amy (at) amysjacob (.) com

Welcome members of the Morris County Education Association! Thank you so much for being a wonderful audience this evening.

As promised, the powerpoint handout is available right here.

I’m happy to report that my blog has finally been fixed! I think it was a miracle or something. I was hacked and had not been able to get things up and running for well over a year, as the date on the last post implies.

A lot has happened in that time. To start, I gave birth to twin boys in January 2009. I love being a mom, and it sure does change the way I look at my work with kids. It has been illuminating, to say the least.

I have re-opened my private practice on an extremely limited basis. I am mostly just taking Needs Assessment referrals from PerformCare, or the state system of care for children with behavioral health needs. I am not available for new referrals for ongoing cases, I am sorry! Thank you, as always, for your referrals and your confidence in my services. With two little ones at home, I sadly do not have the time (or mental capacity) to take on new therapy cases right now.

I am available to do training for your organization, and have designed some new topics that have been very well received. For more information on those, please visit the tab here on training for your organization.

A close friend of mine wrote me for help the other day. Her eight year old son is getting teased a lot at school. She was picked on a lot when she was a little kid, and the memory is still a painful one. Watching her son go through it has understandably made her angry and upset all over again. I’d be the exact same way watching my kid go through this.

Bullying is a terrible fact of kid life, and one that culturally we need to do more about. Let’s start a meme – kids who bully other kids need HELP. They have serious social deficits that if unaddressed can lead to more deviant and even illegal behavior down the road. They cannot be ignored by adults, whether school professionals, parents, or coaches. Kids who bully need to be taught in no uncertain terms that their behavior is unacceptable and they need to be assisted to develop healthier self esteem and pro social skills.

That said, let’s turn our attention toward the kids who get picked on.

I am not any kind of bullying “expert” and there is a lot of research available on the subject for those who are looking for more detailed information. But that said, the following is the letter I wrote back to my friend in response to her request for help. It’s what I would do if it was my kid.
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First and foremost, speak to his teacher about it. It’s really his or her responsibility to address it with the kids who are doing it. If you get no satisfaction, talk to the director of the program. But of course, that’s not necessarily going to make it stop. I get so mad when I hear about this stuff because teachers really are terrible about making an issue out of it, acting as though it’s just typical school yard behavior, but you are right to be concerned. It is a really tough situation for the kid who’s being teased and can’t be ignored or it can cause worse problems later on. I’m glad, and not at all surprised, that you recognize that.

As far as dealing with Tony (NOT his real name!), maybe share some of your own experiences as a kid so he knows if you survived it, he will too.

Do emphasize that kids who tease and bully are the ones who have the problem – not him. Let him know that a LOT of kids get picked on, especially when they are around older or bigger kids. It’s a nasty fact of kid life and you’ll help him get through it.

Let him know that kids who do that usually feel bad about themselves and take it out on others. It takes somebody feeling weak to pick on somebody else – point that out in no uncertain terms to Tony, and encourage him to see the bullies as weaker kids who don’t know how to behave. THEY have the problem – not him. But he has to deal with it, and you’ll help him.

Encourage/push any and all activities that make him feel strong, smart, good and lost in the moment. That builds resiliency. You want to increase the ratio of good feeling activities that build a sense of mastery and accomplishment to negative challenges, like being picked on.

Help him figure out a way NOT to react emotionally when being picked on, if that’s possible. That can be very tough for a kid his age, but let him know the kids might tease him more if he gets really upset in their presence. Let him know that it IS upsetting to be picked on, and you want him to express that, but if he can remove himself from the situation and go talk to somebody safe to express how he feels away from the bullies, he’ll make it less interesting for them to do it.

Encourage him to spend more time with his friends who make him feel good about himself, too. The reason kids isolate is because a basic, human and healthy instinct when faced with a stressor is to lessen your exposure to it. But you are right, you don’t want him to isolate from kids in general. You want to have his positive friends over so he can be surrounded by kids who make him feel happy and loved.

You can help him brainstorm possible responses to things kids say and let him practice saying them, too. Let him use his strengths to figure out how to cope. Is he funny? He could make a joke out of something they say. Is he smart? He could think of something smart to say to put them off. Is he good at ignoring things that bother him? Help him do that to diffuse the teasing. The important thing is to help him figure out what to do himself, so he feels like he handled it.

However he handles it is okay, though you DON’T want to encourage physical retaliation. I sure hope this is just verbal teasing – but let him know if it ever becomes physical, with any pushing, shoving, tripping, etc – he needs to tell the teacher immediately. If he’s afraid to do that, he needs to come home and tell you and you can talk to the school about it.

Most importantly, and first and foremost, be confident that Tony can handle this – with your help, of course. If you believe that in your heart, you will exude that confidence and he’ll absorb it. It’s like projecting that calm, confident demeanor with him that he can draw on when he’s in the moment dealing with it. On the other hand, if you project your own anxiety and anger and sadness, that’s what he’ll pick up and it could make it actually more upsetting. It’s like you have to be Zen-master Mom here!

Tony is a VERY smart kid. I’d use that in this situation. Maybe help him look at this like a math problem or a science question. What possible solutions can he come up with to solve it? Talk them over and imagine how each one would pan out, and help him pick the best way.

If, after trying a bunch of things to make it better you don’t see improvement, and if you see Tony getting worse and worse I’d remove him from the program and demand tuition reimbursement. That’s my personal opinion, and that’s just because I know what severe teasing/bullying can do to a kid after awhile – as you do! If it was my kid, I’d work with him to help him deal with it and I’d bitch like crazy to the school. If it gets worse or the effects on Tony get worse, I’d just get him out of there.

I know it sounds like “backing down” in a way, but at a certain point you have to weigh the consequences for his ability to learn and develop and the risk of him developing other emotional problems. Dealing with some stress is important for healthy development. You can’t shelter kids from this stuff. But you have to manage how much stress how often whenever it’s under your control.

[Note: this situation is happening in an after-school program. If you can't simply remove a child from a situation, you may need work around this to try to lessen the exposure to the stress. Change classroom? Transportation home? Your situation will dictate what's possible here.]

Here’s a PBS website on bullying that looks pretty good. It’s written for kids, but I’d read it first before looking at it with Matthew to be sure you are comfortable with the content:

Do you have a question about how to help a kid deal with something difficult? Or maybe you’re a parent or a teen or a kid and you have a question on how to help yourself through a situation! I’ll happily take requests for future posts that answer real life questions.

The only catch is that posts like this and any I might do in the future are advice – not therapy! So while I aim to be helpful, I’m not claiming I can actually solve your problem with a blog post! You’ll need to exercise your own judgment and discretion if employing any of the suggestions I make.

Deal? Okay!

If you want to see your question answered here, email away at amy[at]amysjacob.com

I was more than dismayed today to learn that in Nebraska, some parents are using the cover of a “safe haven” law to abandon older kids and teenagers to hospitals and police stations. According to a New York Times article:

In total last month, 15 older children in Nebraska were dropped off by a beleaguered parent or custodial aunt or grandmother who said the children were unmanageable.

Officials have called the abandonments a misuse of a new law that was mainly intended to prevent so-called Dumpster babies — the abandonment of newborns by young, terrified mothers — but instead has been used to hand off out-of-control teenagers or, in the case of the father of 10, to escape financial and personal despair.

The spate of abandonments has prompted an outcry about parental irresponsibility and pledges to change the state law. But it has also cast a spotlight on the hidden extent of family turmoil around the country and what many experts say is a shortage of respite care, counseling and especially psychiatric services to help parents in dire need.

The Nebraska law allows for parents to drop their kids off, no questions asked and without fear of prosecution. They are the last of the states to enact this type of law, which was designed to protect infants from being abandoned by overwhelmed teen/young moms. It went into effect September 1, 2008 and protects parents for abandoning kids anywhere up to 19 years old. No other state goes that far, to my knowledge.

As someone who’s worked with kids for a long time and has dealt with a number of parents who have fantasized about being able to ditch a troubled teen, I have to say I’m not surprised that now that it’s legal, Nebraskan children and teens are being abandoned by their parents.

What really surprises me is that those well-meaning legislators who offered such a haven for overwhelmed parents are suddenly shocked that parents are now taking them up on it. Why enact a law if you don’t expect people to actually fall under it?

I’m no expert in Nebraska law or politics, but it how could they not see this coming? If New Jersey tried to enact such a law, you can bet that every hospital in the state would have been screaming, “ARE YOU NUTS?” We know that we’ve got overwhelmed families here – maybe because we just have so many families period.

Of course parents shouldn’t abandon their kids – no matter what. I won’t even go into the kind of trauma such an act does to a child or even a teenager. But it’s not so hard to see that some parents just don’t have the skills or the resources (internally or externally) to cope with some very troubled, challenging children.

While New Jersey’s system of care for kids is far from perfect and pristine, I must say I’m glad it’s there and I hope Nebraska looks to implement some sort of system to support their struggling families. Because just changing this new, poorly conceived law isn’t going to change the fact that there are parents out there who still want to abandon their kids and would if they had the chance.

Do we really only use 10% of our brains?
Am I making my baby smarter by playing Mozart?

In their book, “Welcome to your brain: Why you lose your car keys but never forget how to drive,” Authors Sandra Aamodt & Sam Wang discuss answers to these common questions from a neuroscientist’s point of view. They happen have an article today in the New York Times, “Your Brain Lies to You” that discusses how people end up believing falsehoods that’s an interesting read.

Below is a YouTube video of their presentation at Google HQ, where they share more of the fascinating insights from their work.

When we think of war, we think of a lot of things. Movies. Death. Destruction of property. Ideals. Security. Safety. Risk. Rewards.

Yet it seems we know just a little of the sacrifice we accept from our warriors. Yes, we know that we’ve lost over 4,000 of America’s heroes in battle, not to mention the untold numbers of Iraqi soldiers and civilians. We know that far more American soldiers have come home injured and permanently disabled. But do we realize what we ask of our soldiers psychologically? Do we understand how their lives, hearts and minds are transformed by the horrors of what they witness?

Data now shows that 2007 was the bloodiest year of the Iraq war to date, and one has to consider the connection between the increased violence and another alarming trend – the increase of soldier suicides and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). A new report due to be released this week shows that suicides of US soldiers in Iraq increased 13% in 2007 over the previous year. Another indicates that there was a 50% increase in PTSD among soldiers in 2007.

What’s causing this trend? Experts say there are a number of factors, including longer deployments and re-deployments of soldiers. Frequency and duration of exposure to traumatic events are among the most important risk factors in determining whether one develops PTSD, so it’s clear that the lengthening of tours and the number of deployments are having serious consequences for America’s heroes.

Some reports suggest that nearly 30% of Iraq war soldiers experience symptoms of PTSD. If you’ve never had these symptoms, it may be difficult to grasp how difficult they are to live with. Many people are familiar with the term “flash back” from movies, which refers to re-experiencing traumatic events in real time, as though they were happening all over again. But not as many are aware that PTSD symptoms also include recurring nightmares, intrusive, unwanted thoughts and memories about traumatic events, trouble sleeping, heightened sensitivity to sights and sounds, and feeling as though one is in danger all the time. Also, PTSD can bring symptoms of emotional numbing, which feel like – and can lead to – serious depression.

And it’s here where you can see the relationship with suicide. PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder that is extremely painful to live with. It can wear people out or shut them down emotionally so they feel like they are “living dead,” – alive, but unable to really experience much. When these feelings persist, people become increasingly vulnerable to suicide.

Suicide continues to be an enormous risk for veterans. According to Kerri J. Childress, a Veterans Affairs department spokeswoman, there are an average of 18 suicides a day among America’s 25 million veterans and that more than a fifth are committed by men and women being treated by Veterans Affairs. From the same article in the New York Times:

Experts agree that veterans are more likely, perhaps twice as much, to commit suicide as people who have never served in the military. Meanwhile, a study released last week by the RAND Corporation estimates that roughly one in five veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan has symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, which heightens the risk of suicide.

Other complications include any tendencies to use alcohol or substances to help relieve symptoms of PTSD, which is common among those in general who have PTSD. Because many of the symptoms are due to a hyper-aroused nervous system, alcohol or drugs can take the edge off of these effects. The seriously dangerous and unfortunate consequence is a lowering of inhibitions towards self-harming thoughts or behaviors, and the lapses in judgment that come from using substances.

From the US Army (via the AP article today)

“Since the beginning of the global war on terror, the Army has lost over 580 soldiers to suicide, an equivalent of an entire infantry battalion task force,” the Army said in a suicide prevention guide to installations and units that was posted in mid-March on the site.

“This ranks as the fourth leading manner of death for soldiers, exceeded only by hostile fire, accidents and illnesses,” it said. “Even more startling is that during this same period, 10 to 20 times as many soldiers have thought to harm themselves or attempted suicide.”

It’s clear our military needs more help. Yes, they need better armor and better benefits. They also need fewer and shorter deployments, first and foremost. Regardless of our varied political opinions about the war, the surge has taken a tremendous toll on our soldiers and has increased casualties in a wholly unanticipated way. Americans must stand up to support our troops, demanding their ability to access benefits and treatment in a timely way, and to support efforts to ensure they are given adequate respite and recovery between deployments.

If you are a soldier or know of a soldier who is struggling with trauma symptoms and/or depression, I highly recommend EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) treatment. It has shown great promise in effectively reducing the severity of trauma symptoms in a short period of time. The VA is strongly recommending this treatment as well. If you are a clinical practitioner interested in trauma treatment, following the link above will take you to information on how to become trained to provide EMDR.

Supporting our Troops must go beyond bumper stickers and car magnets. A real, human approach to understanding the total sacrifices of our bravest Americans and taking care of them body, mind and soul when they make it home is where the real support they need.

It’s a sad, sad case.

A 13 year old girl, Megan Meier, took her life after receiving a nasty message from what she thought was a 16 year old boy – but turned out to be a 49 year old woman. Lori Drew, a mother herself, now faces up to 20 years in prison for her role in this tragedy.

From the New York Times:

The woman, Lori Drew, was charged with one count of conspiracy and three counts of accessing a computer without authorization and via interstate commerce to obtain information to inflict emotional distress. Each count carries a maximum penalty of five years in prison.

Ms. Drew lives in O’Fallon, Mo., where, according to the indictment, she created a MySpace account under the name Josh Evans in 2006. Prosecutors said she used the social networking account to contact a young girl named in the indictment as M.T.M. with sexually charged messages from “Josh.” The girl, who has been identified by her mother as Megan Meier, was a former friend of Ms. Drew’s daughter.

After a few weeks of chatting, “Josh Evans” began to send Megan nasty messages, via the MySpace account, ending with one that suggested “the world would be a better place” without her. Megan, believing she had been rejected by “Josh,” committed suicide in her home.

Missouri law enforcement officials said they had not found enough evidence to bring charges in the case, and Ms. Drew, who was 48 when Megan died, has repeatedly denied creating the account.

But because MySpace, a unit of Fox Interactive Media, is based in Beverly Hills, Calif., and its server is here, federal prosecutors decided to wield a federal statute that is generally used to prosecute fraud that occurs across state lines.

The statute applies in the case, the indictment says, because by violating the user agreement of MySpace, which prohibits phony accounts, Ms. Drew was seeking information “to further a tortuous act, namely, intentional infliction of emotional distress.”

We’ve known for awhile now how bullying is linked to suicide. What we’re now seeing is the myriad different avenues available for people to inflict harm on one another.

According to Megan Meier’s parents, Megan had been in treatment for mental health disorders – Attention Deficit Disorder and “Depression” (as per the AP). It’s important to note this because kids who have psychiatric disorders are going to be more at-risk for suicide, and plenty of kids diagnosed with ADHD and depression spend time online – often at places like Myspace.

I’m never one to advocate for socially restrictive or regressive tactics – like prohibiting Myspace or never letting kids online. The kids tend to just be more secretive about those very behaviors in response, and we need for parents to have *more* supervision of these online activities – not less. I wrote in a previous blog post here in relation to the teenagers in Florida who had kidnapped and beaten a girl, again over Myspace conflicts, about the need to teach our kids appropriate online behaviors. I think this unfortunate case is underlining that need with law.

Lori Drew is facing serious legal consequences to her part in this cyberbullying/suicide case, and in this situation, “cyberbullying” goes beyond overt threats of harm to statements that simply make people feel terrible. How we make others feel is, actually, the crime of any kind of bullying, and the essence of what leads the victims to suicidal thoughts.

Still, I do not know how legal it is or will be to make a kid feel terrible – this battle has yet to fully play out in court. I do know it raises some serious questions about how our culture is handling the new world of communications.

I still say we need to actively teach our kids how to treat others, and we need those lessons to reach into the online world now. They must be told that their behaviors online will have as serious consequences as their behaviors in the school yards. All adults need to be guardians in this sense.

I wish Lori Drew had helped her daughter step away from the initial conflict she’d had with Megan Meier, instead of taking on whatever role she may have played in intensifying the drama. But according to this indictment, she didn’t, and the consequences were much worse than I’m sure Drew would have guessed.

I hope in the future, all kids and their parents recognize that the on and offline squabbles of teen girls and boys are opportunities for such lessons in interpersonal skills, and that kids need us – are counting on us – to show the way.

Presented by Amy Jacob, LCSW
May 21 2008, Edison NJ

Who should attend? Guidance counselors, clinicians, case managers, social workers, child study team members, in-home behavioral health providers, teachers, parents, advocates, and others who work with children and adolescents who have experienced trauma.

What Will Trainees Learn? This workshop provides practical strategies for those who work with youth who have experienced trauma and may be manifesting behavioral health issues as a result. The presentation includes:

Signs and symptoms of trauma in children and youth

Types of trauma and their effects

Neurobiological impact of trauma

Life domains affected by trauma

Promising treatment approaches and their core components

Practical strategies for working with youth who have experienced trauma

Vicarious trauma and self care for workers

Creating safe environments for youth and families

This dynamic, interactive program will include activities, video illustrations, and small group activities, and discussions.

Location and Time : Holiday Inn, Raritan Center, 3050 Woodbridge Ave., Edison NJ,08837(directions below) Wednesday May 21, 2008, 9 to 1 pm., Continental breakfast provided

Fee: $85 per person

REGISTRATION: Please email sourcesforhumanservices@comcast.net to register

About the Presenter: Amy Jacob, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker in Middlesex County, NJ with a career history spanning 15 years of service to children, families, and child-serving organizations. She currently has a private practice providing intensive in-home clinical services to adolescents and their families.

Jacob is also a Training Consultation Specialist for the Violence Institute of NJ as well as project coordinator and lead trainer for “Creating Safe and Respectful Environments,” an initiative through UBHC-UMDNJ funded by the NJ Juvenile Justice Commission. In this role she coordinates a training program for juvenile detention centers and state run secure care facilities and residential centers on the topics of mental health disorders among adolescents, crisis intervention techniques and suicide prevention. In her private practice she also provides training to schools and other community groups in New Jersey on these topics.

Jacob served as the Middlesex County Coordinator for the Traumatic Loss Coalitions for Youth Project from August 2001 through July 2006. The Traumatic Loss Coalition brings together professionals from schools, mental health agencies, law enforcement, clergy and other community organizations in order to identify and coordinate resources for school communities after traumatic loss events.

Jacob has worked extensively with children and adolescents as a clinician with University Behavioral Health Care’s Child and Adolescent In-patient and Regional Response Units. In this role she provided crisis intervention, evaluation, and ongoing therapeutic services as well as advocacy on behalf of adolescents and their families.

Prior to obtaining her MSW, Jacob served as a Policy Advisor for Children’s Issues to Governor Jim Florio of New Jersey. In that role she served as the Governor’s liaison to various child-serving boards and organizations, providing regular policy briefings and recommendations to the Governor. She also served as staff to inter-agency advisory boards and workgroups charged with streamlining service delivery to New Jersey’s children across bureaucratic government systems.

Directions to hotel: Holiday Inn, Raritan Center, 3050 Woodbridge Ave., Edison NJ, 08837, 732-661-1000; NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (NORTH/SOUTH): TAKE TURNPIKE TO EXIT 10 AND BEAR RIGHT. AFTER TOLL PLAZA TAKE HWY 514 W. FOLLOW SIGNS TO RARITAN CENTER. STAY IN RIGHT LANE & FOLLOW THE CURVED ROAD TO LIGHT. TURN LEFT ON KING GEORGE POST RD. HOTEL ON LEFT

Restaurant: Have a delicious lunch at Harold’s’ New York Deli Restaurant next door